Konrad August Noben-Trauth
September 9, 1959 - March 12, 2021

News Obituary
[Star Tribune]

Konrad Noben-Trauth, Ph.D.,J.D.

I am writing this blog for two reasons.  First to share with you my experience  with this type of cancer and second to keep myself active and engaged.

   As to the first reason, I found it beneficial for myself to hear from other patients about their pain, suffering and coping with this disease. It helped me to better understand and accept my own symptoms and difficulties. As  to the second reason, a major struggle with the disease is fatigueness and an excessive daytime sleepiness as result of medication, e.g. Temozolomide or Capra and the tumor itself.   reading and writing gets me out of bed and keeps my brain , or whatever is left thereof, active.  I hope this Blog is helpful to you too. Note, however that the Blog is meant to share experiences opinions and impressions. the Blog is not  intended to give advice.  As you read through the varies entries you will notice that this Blog is not a professional Blog as it does not include an archive or a function to leave a comment or subscription. I plan to update the BLOGevery month or so.

September 2016

Iwas diagnosed with a brain tumor on Wednesday September 28, 2016.  Therewere no overt signs that this would be coming although some episodes priorindicated that something was not right.  On the Friday before, I got lostin the TCF Tower downtown Minneapolis where I used to work and go forlunch.  Same day I had white flashes in my left eye and lost balance whiletalking with a colleague at the phone. On the Saturday I woke up during thenight and was not able to figure out the time. In the morning after shaving Ifell into the bathtub not knowing why and how. On the Monday I got hopelesslylost with my car in the Macalester neighborhood in St. Paul. and had anaccident; not knowing how it happened.  All hell broke loose on Wednesdaymorning when I found myself being unable to put my clothes on.  buttoningmy shirt, tightening my shoes, getting into my coat: impossible.  Idesperately wanted to get to work to sign the paperwork to start working as anassociate attorney for the patent law firm Schwegman Lundberg and WoessnerP.A.  I managed to get to the bus stop, took the bus downtown and got offat the IDS tower, but by then I looked totally disheveled and disoriented. Thesecurity guards stopped me.  They noticed that something was wrong. I calledmy wife Nancy and they called the paramedics. They did a few tests on my eyesand arms and brought me to the ER at the Hennepin County medical center (HCMC)in Minneapolis.  A CT-Scan and MRI revealed a 5x3x3 cm tumor on the righttemporal lobe.  The docs said it looks like a glioblastoma grade IV. I ama molecular geneticist. So I knew what it meant. It felt like a k.o. punch. Twodays later I had a craniotomy.  Everything went very fast. The day beforesurgery I made phone calls to my parents, brother and sister and friends. It was hard to say I am sick.. I have brain cancer. I didn’t think muchbout the risk of the surgery. Surgery seemed inevitable anyway. There was noalternative. The neurosurgeon removed 90% of the tumor. Histology identifiedthe tumor as a glioblastoma multiforme. Molecular tests showed a non-favorablemutation load; e.g. under-methylation of the MGMT promoter, which makes thechemo less effective.

Fortunately, the surgery went verywell. I could speak, walk and think; but the tumor had destroyed much of thenerve fibers controlling the left vision field, leaving me with a permanentleft vision field cut; I have no left peripheral vision.  My left arm andhand is also impaired with reduced mobility and sensitivity; basicallyeverything left is impaired.

A few days after surgery I startedwith extensive rehabilitation: physical therapy, speech pathology training;occupational therapy; talks with psychologists and neuroscientists. I wastested on all sorts of things; every day felt like another IQ testing;evaluating and ranking.  the rehab therapy was intense and exhausting. TheHCMC staff was excellent; very competent; patient andcompassionate.   Three weeks after surgery and rehabilitation I wasreleased from the hospital.

October 2016

Iwas discharged from the Hospital on Oct. 20 20I6, and started postsurgicaltreatment: consisting of six weeks of chemotherapy with Temozolomide andradiation five times per week for six weeks.  I tolerated the chemo quitewell; cell counts, and metabolites were always normal. The radiation causedmild hair loss and some reddening of the skin. the major struggle was withfatigueness and sleepiness.  During that time, I also had a few seizuresthat affected my left arm. All the mobility and sensitivity that I regainedduring physical therapy was lost.   It took three weeks to get backto pre-seizure function.    There is also significant memoryloss. I used to play guitar for ten years, but I lost all of it; studies andtechnical drills that I practiced daily for years are all lost from mymemory.  I am physically and cognitively disabled. My wife Nancy takescare of me 24/7.  God bless her good heart.

the first part of standard careended on Dec. 23, 2016.    several months later I still geteasily disoriented and have difficulties navigating parking lots, stores,restaurants streets and such. I get easily dizzy and shaky. I walk slowly andwith care always scanning the left side.   I avoid crowded places forfear of running into something or someone. cognitive wise I can read and write.conversations with more than two people drain me out quickly.  I can readthe newspaper and light books, but highly technical literature; egg. scientificpapers, patents or court opinions are more difficult to read.  I need helpwith meals, clinical appointments, medication, navigating health insurance andsuch. In short without Nancy I could do nothing. No chance I could live alonein an apartment. or being anything close to independent. I can’t drive a car orride a bike. crossing a street at a stop light scares the hell out of me. Mybed is my best friend.

During the chemo radiation stage ofthe treatment we stayed at the Hope Lodge in Minneapolis. This is a hospice runby the American cancer society and supported by the Schulz family.  TheHope Loge was a live saver. We met wonderful people: fellow cancer patients andstaff Thank you Schulz family! and staff! Between the first and second stage ofthe treatment is a one- month gap. During this time, we flew to Germany to visitmy parents, and siblings.  It was a rather emotional fare well tour andphysically very demanding. With Nancy’s help I could manage it.

January 2017

I began the second treatment step, the maintenance phase in Jan.2017.  The MRI after the chemo radiation step in Dec. 2016, indicated somepseudo progression; that is some residual tissue or recurrent tumor in thetumor cavity.   The maintenance phase consisted of six cycles, eachcycle comprising five days of chemotherapy followed by 23 days off. we startedwith a dose of 200mg Temodar (also called temozolomide)per






It is July6, 2017. It is going to be very hot today, but I am always cold. I wear a thickjacket, wear a scarf and wool hat. It is one of those days where it takes me along time to wake up and for the cloud to lift. I still take medication that causes sleepiness: capra and gabapentin;the former helps against seizures; the gabapentin  helps with the nerve pain in my left arm; thenerve pain is a consequence of the tumor and the resection.  The pain is also treated by occupationaltherapy specifically through myofascial release therapy.  However, both capra and gabapentin add to thefatigueness and dizziness. I am thinking that the residual tumor adds its shareto that too. tumor cells are still being active in the brain, being underattack by the immune system and secreting factors and substances affectingnormal brain function.   since the end ofthe chemo my sleep has become much better. I am more rested in the morning andthe sleep intervals seem to be longer. Yet I still need a lot of rest during the day. I am also very much inneed of silence and solitude.  It keepsme at peace with everything.

When I feelready, I read stories of the old testament. There is always a new insight and fact that I can learn either about theactor or about the Lord.  I am mostlyintrigued and moved by Moses and Abraham. Their interactions with the Lord reveals a lot about this merciful,compassionate and forgiving.  God. Seehow Abraham negotiates and pleads with God about the destruction of Sodom.Isn’t that nice?  Or Moses telling God, Ican’t speak Dude! you got the wrong man here. I was always puzzled by the oldtestament stories but reading the books in context with each other for exampleIsaiah and the gospels, it all comes together and makes sense. You can’t makethis up.  

The biggestchallenge during the last four weeks has been the persistent pain in my leftupper arm.  The motion range is fairlylimited and I can’t hardly even pick up a book without having pain; but I canuse  a fork and can type on a keyboard tosome degree. But holding or pulling myself up with the left hand on a handle isimpossible.  I learned to avoid certainmovements and move the arm mostly slowly and with care.  I take 600mg gabapentin every evening and ondemand, when the stinging pain becomes unbearable, I take a morphine tablet.That combination gets me through the night and through most of the followingday with pain levels plus minus two. Stretching and shaking the arm so as toemptying it also brings some relief.  There is also a constant burning sensation in my left hand and fingersthat recently started to beg my attention. Neuropathies I learn are a commonconsequence of brain tumors.

For the mostpart I avoid the noise of the world. I abstain from watching the news and keepweb browsing at a minimum. I feel time has become too limited and precious asto be wasted. I feel meditating and praying is more beneficial and livegiving.  

The qualityof life has become much better after the temodar chemo ended. I can sleepduring the night and feel rested in the morning.  Regarding appetite I settled on a few dishessuch as sushi and shrimp pasta. For breakfast I take waffles and friedeggs.  I weigh 159 pounds and have anormal body mass index.

Anothermajor challenge has been and still is finding meaning and purpose in the dailyactivities.  I always had far reachingplans. Now I bake smaller rolls.  I helpNancy with her chores and stay engaged with managing my affairs (appointments,medication, health insurance claims.  Idid some research on going full time working again.  But for the most part I feel called to prayand to meditate following Paul’s advice: pray without ceasing always givingthanks because this is what God wants you to do.  The mystic Ignatius of Loyola teaches God hascreated us out of love and wants to share life with us. We are to respond toGod’s love by our praise, honor and service of the God of our Life.  All other things are created to help us toachieve that goal. He says we should use them with a healthy dose ofindifference and detachment.  I wasexposed to his principle early on in my life and it served me well throughout.It gave me a frame of reference and principle of life. Holding yourself inbalance is key.  So now, I should not fixmy desire on health or sickness, but only on what is most conducive to the endfor which I am created, namely God’s deepening love in me. Thank you to myJesuit friends, Herbert JP, Jim, Warren, Joe and Mark; thank you for teachingme Jesus!

Today isSunday July 23,2017. a dreary day. I didn’t sleep well; the pain in my arm andtingling in my hand kept me awake. I have to take some naps during the day toget back to normal function.  I catchmyself making plans again. I’d like to work again. I Spent the afternoonresting and strolling around the farm for an hour.  It is safe grounds. There is only one streetI should not get lost on just one road. Later I listened to some speeches of Greg Boyle SJ, the founder ofHomeboys industry, a gang member rehabilitation program. Listening to himalways fills me with life, awe, peace and hope. So too today. I calmed down and was at peace with everything andeverybody.



August 2017


Today is Thursday August 10, 2017. The last visit with the docsin early July was uneventful. Just the usual checkup: look at my nose andfollow my fingers. Everything was normal but the nose looked funny.  The last two weeks I had visit from germany.by my sister Susanne and her sonPhilip.  I enjoyed their stay very much! I am totally drained now buttheir visit felt very good. We cooked, baked, grilled, fished and bondedtogether. On July 30, 2017, I made the first promises with the Ignatian Associatesof the Twin Cities. A major milestone on my faith journey. I participated atthe ceremony via facetime. I promised simplicity of life, apostolicavailability and fidelity to the gospel and to my associates and Jesuitcompanions. I look forward to living out the promises and take the associatedchallenges in trust and one at a time. Today It is rainy, windy and coldoutside. Something is wrong with this summer.

My next visit with the Docs and MRIis in September 6, 2017.  Currently I am planning the visit and mtgs. withIA members. 

Aug. 31, 2017

Today isThursday August 31. It was cold last night. I feels like the summer is over.The last six days I struggled with a sick stomach that confined me to the bed.I also worked diligently on this blog to get it online.


todayis Sunday September 10, 2017.  I am at the lake cabin near

Detroit lakes.

I just returned yesterday from Minneapolis meeting the

docs and my IA companions.  Thebonding with my companions was inspiring, consoling and encouraging. I felthome and at peace. understood and loved.  The memories will help me getthrough the next weeks until the next visit in October.  The good news isthat all the tests checked out ok. Some cell counts were at the lower end ofthe spectrum apparently still the effect of the Temodar chemo. The MRI scanalso again revealed a stable tumor: no recurrence, no regrowth. the tumor isstill there and some tissue is hanging around in the tumor cavity. I am veryhappy. I am off the hook for another three months: free again to pursue moreinteresting things than laying around, which brings up a contentious issue withspouse. During our discussion with the oncologist I said that I would like togo back to work. That did not go well with the doc and social worker who wantme to stay at home, spent time with spouse and loved ones and live theday.  I was thinking of starting off with some supervised legal work as avolunteer at a charity and try to get admission to the Minnesota bar. I tookthe bar exam in July 2016 but missed the passing score by 10 out of 400 pointshaving 250 instead of the required 260 points.   I checked with theoncologist as to whether I prepared for the Bar and took the exam with thetumor. No doubt I took the exam with a mandarin size tumor in my brain rightover my right ear and an inch wide ring of swelled neurons around it.That isthe tumor pressing against the neurons. Small wonder that I missed 10 of thosemultiple choice questions after nearly 200 questions and 4 hours of testing. Iam not thinking of taking the test again but instead try to get a waiver.That’s where the oncologist got off the track. Anyhow I am determined to spentquality time to be productive in helping others. What was the purpose ofradiation and chemo if not for getting better and resuming a normal life?

We also tested my left vision fieldagain and that too came out as last time: No worsening. That is good. Noimprovement either. but that is not expected given the huge size of the tumorcavity. those nerve fibers are irretrievably lost. We also did some morediagnostic on the arm. the orthopedist recommended a EMG. and pool therapy.That is fine with me. 

On our way back I went shopping atmy favorite department store and bought a sweater for the fall.   Forthe visit with the Docs and my friends I dressed up. Another step towardsnormality.

Sept. 12, 2017

Today is TuesdaySept. 12, 2017.  It is back to reality again. after a few days of feelinggood and strong. a strange stomach pain knocked me out all day yesterday. Icould not do anything, felt miserable , totally weak and tired. Hence I spentmost of the day in bed despite good intentions to be productive. Anyway I tookthis s a sign that my medical team may not be so far off when they recommendedto lay low and give heed to the healing, spouse, and rest. Doc said I havenothing left to proof. ok. So I emailed the charity and withdrew from myvolunteer request. I slept well and feel content with this. I can’t forcethings. My health situation is just unpredictable. No day is like the daybefore.  I got up at 4am and enjoyed a long quiet morning with a big cupof coffee and an hour long sitting on the porch watching the sun rise. 

Sept. 22, 2017

Today is FridaySept. 22, 2017.  Last week the HCMC called to schedule an MRI on the leftshoulder. We had that done on Sept. 19.  It turns out that the pain in thearm is due to damage to the tendon at the shoulder and some degeneration of thecartilage. Good news is that it can be treated with physical therapy.  Thedamage was caused by the steroids and chemo drugs. The armpain hasn’t gottenany better. My day passes low key. I get up early in the morning around 4am dosome meditation and reading over a big cup of coffee.  at around 10am Itake a nap and have lunch at around noon. Then I go to therapy or do my armexercises

Sept. 28, 2017

Today is  Thursday Sept.28, 2017. It is one year ago that I was diagnosed. What a rough year it was andstill no end in sight.  True to Ignatius’ advice I exercise indifferencepreferring a shorter life not over a longer  and vice versa. Despite allthere is now settling in a sense of peace and acceptance.  At the end ofthe day I enjoy my current life. I can spent most of the day praying andreading. 

October 2017

Today is Oct. 5, 2017Nancy’s birthday God bless her dear heart.It’s a typical fall day: cloudy, rainy and a cool breeze.  I am off tophysical therapy.  The stretching and massaging is painful but it helps atleast for the rest of the day.  I am doing my exercises and take thepills.

Just finished reading an article byBob Umhoefer about dying and life. I found it interesting how we all find ourways albeit different to cope with the inevitable. As strange as it may sound Ilook forward to it. I am curious about it  I like to think of dying asgoing home, or going to heaven.  Finally meeting the Lord face to face inhis dwelling place. As Christian who beliefs that God works in my life makingthings happen I often asked myself and others what do you pray for? What is theright prayer and petition? Everything. God has a big heart. it is bigger thanwe think. Most often I pray for a peaceful and end in the foreseeable future.  I pray for healing of my arm. Interestingly I never asked God to becured.  Perhaps my faith in this type of miracle is not strong enough. Iam content with being in the middle of the distribution.  I have seen mostof life and I am ready to let it go. If God has other plans  I am readyfor those too.  I am happy with the life I lived and I am thankful for it.I hope the Lord is happy with it too. At least I tried.  I made most ofthe decisions. Now it is God’s turn.

Oct. 18, 2017

Today is Oct. 18. 2017, Lastweek I was in Mpls for an EMG. The test checked out normal. Both nerves andmuscles along the arm and hand returned normal results. That is good news. Icontinue with the physical therapy.  Injection of steroids would be analternative but for now I try the physical exercises. There is some relief ofthe pain but not completely. After the exercises the pain usually ceases for afew hours and then flares up again  around the muscle or at the shouldercup.   I am still at the Lake cabin. Fall is in full swing still lotsof sun, wind, and cold at night. I look forward to move back to the farmhouse.  I still sleep only a few hours during the night and get up around3 in the morning.  I do my spiritual exercises, have some coffee, takebreakfast at around 7 and nap before lunch.  Twice a weak I go for PT andin the afternoon I do my physical exercises.  Today I made a pumpkin nutcake.  My left arm worked quite well. Patience. and cleverness was more onorder than range or strength.  The bread came out quite well.

Oct. 29, 2017

Today is Sunday  Oct 29.  Last week I was completelyknocked down by a strange stomach flue and cramps. I spent four days in bedsleeping unable to do any decent work. I am feeling better now and can eatnormally. Last week the physical therapist did a midterm assessment. Allmeasurements came out significantly better. She said I made a whole lot ofprogress. My arm also feels better: less pain, stronger, wider  range. Ihave two more sessions next week an then I am finished. I do the exercises athome. If I practice I have less pain. That is a good incentive. I also droppedthe morphine from the docket.

last Tuesday we had the first majorsnowstorm of the season. Not much snow but the wind blew very strongly. I satinside and enjoyed watching the wind moving the waves on the lake.  I alsostarted work on our IA fall newsletter.  That gives me something to do. Ifinished reading the autobiography of Saint Therese of Lisieux.   Thebook gives an authentic view into her young and short life.  She sufferedand died of tuberculosis at age 25. Thus her spirituality centers much aroundpain and suffering.  Some of it resonates with Ignatius’ third degree ofhumility but by and large I feel more drawn to Ignatius’ way especially as laidout in the principle and foundation . I wished I could do more.

November 2017

Today is Nov. 3, 2017. Two daysago, I had my last physical therapy session. I plan on doing the exercises athome and go to the gym for walking and biking.  Yesterday I spent 15minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the stationary bike. afterwards I went to the grocery store. That was scary because people walkedvery fast and cut me off plus even n winter, they run the air condition. Theyhave seen me the last time.  I still need a lot of rest and quiet time. Isleep a lot during the day. I can work cognitively only about 10-15 minutes.then I drain out and get headaches. the illness is a school in patience andhumility. The psalmist teaches be strong and wait for the Lord.

Nov. 11, 2017

Todayis Saturday Nov. 11. 2017, veteran’s day. I keep my exercise routine. YesterdayI walked for 30 minutes and did some weights. My arm feels good and is mostlywithout pain. I open and close doors with my left hand and use the vacuumcleaner. I sleep well and get up around 3 or 4 am. I feel good just the usualheadaches. I still take the gabapentin just in case and until I speak with thedoc in December. the next MRI is on Dec. 13.  I am still at the lakecabin. The lake is frozen and covered with snow. I enjoy sitting in the livingroom and gazing over the lake and the blue sky. yesterday I walked for 30minutes on the track and did some weights.  the physical exercise feelsvery good.  Last night I had a little episode what could have been a smallseizure. walking back to my bed at midnight I heard a binging sound in mybrain, my head started spinning. I lost balance and rambled against thenightstand then falling on my knees. nothing broken just a bruise on my leftthigh. my brain is still fuzzy and foggy. it is hurting too. the headaches areon the right side and the damage on the body is on the left. It almost feelslike the tumor is awakening or working again. the symptoms are those when itall started. I don’t know what triggered the seizure but looking down makes medizzy. we’ll see how I can maintain my exercise routine.  I scratched thepool visit but try to do the walking. Today I stayed inside mostly on the couchor in the chair. I am sensitive to light and have the hood pulled all the wayover my eyes. the light gives me headaches

Dec. 1, 2017

Today is Friday Dec. 1. 2017, I keep up with my physicalexercises go to the gym about three times a week walk around 30 to 40 minutesand pull on some weights. still dizzy and headaches everything else the same.Irest and sleep a lot. do some light reading, meditation, listen to music. Now is Saturday Dec. 15, 2017. I just returned from my last visit to the cancercenter in Minneapolis. The last scan checked out nicely. there was no newenhancement and the images came out as last time.  The oncologist likedthe result but also warned that there is still a 90% chance of recurrencewithin one year  after finishing treatment. I am currently six monththereafter. That means we keep monitoring the tumor on a three-month rollingbasis for the next year at least.  I thought this was good news and lookforward to a peaceful and joyful Christmas season. On this visit I also metwith a number of  friends for talking and soul massaging.  We stayedas usual at the Hope Lodge in Minneapolis.  There too we met old friendsothers we didn’t.  I always feel a certain level of charm and humanity. weall go through the same struggles and display a certain kindness. to eachother.

I am still in the mode of still andquiet acceptance: letting go and letting be.  There is nothing I want tohold on to nothing that I desire except the warming love of the Lord.

Dec. 29, 2017

Today is SaturdayDec. 29, 2017 I had a quiet and prayerful Christmas. I get up early in themorning usually before dawn around 3 or 4 am. That’s when I watch the dawn andhang out with the Lord over a cup of coffee or two. It is the best time of theday and the hope and love I feel carries me through the day and everythingelse.  I very much enjoyed listening to Bach’s Christmas oratorio andcantatas.  I also tuned in to a lecture on contracts law. I also domindfulness breathing exercises once a day that too helps me to stay sane andkeep anxiety attacks in check.   Likewise the physical exercise isgreat. I am now up to 50minutes walking.  The neuropathy in the armis  under control but the headaches throughout the day and night persist.they respond to Tylenol.


Today is Sunday Jan. 8, 2018. Thenew year started very cold up to 30 degrees F below zero.  I stay warm and inside; play checkers withNancy and enjoy music as well as the silence in the morning.  My goal for the new year is to get closer tothe Lord, to get to know Jesus and the power of his resurrection.

Jan.19, 2018

Now it is FridayJan. 19, 2018. It is still very cold outside but I manage to go to the gym twoto three times a week. I walk around 40 too 50 minutes on the track and workthe machines with the arms and legs. I have no pain in the arm or anywhere elseexcept the brain. I also feel the exercise improving my overall well being. Iget up between 3 and 5 every morning before dawn , enjoying the sun rise andthe silence, being still and patient.


Today isMonday February 19, 2018. My dad passed away last Sunday at age 87. I was sadthat I could not attend his funeral. I very much would have liked to betogether with my family: mom and sister. Instead I stayed here and got up atthe time of the funeral to be with them in mind and spirit.


March 2018


Today is Sunday March 11, 2018.  Last Tuesday I had another brain scan.  I read the results at the hope lodge at 4amin the morning because I could not sleep. What I read was not amusing. “A Newfocus of nodular enhancement measuring 0.6 x 0.5 x 1.4 cm in size is seen alongthe lateral aspect of the resection cavity in the posterior right temporallobe. This could represent recurrent tumor or post-radiation related changes.Recommend follow-up evaluation with contrast enhanced MRI brain in 6 weeks.Further evaluation with MR spectroscopy and MR perfusion imaging may beconsidered if there is interval increase in the focus of enhancement on followup imaging. The oncologist made a referral to the neurosurgeon.


Today is Friday March16, 2018.  I had the meting with theneurosurgeon who operated on me on the first tumor.  In discussing the MRI and the pertinentliterature we came to the understanding that the new focus very likely presentsnew tumor growth: the timeline ( nine months after finishing treatment; fifteenmonths after end of radiation; the location of the new focus ( 2 to threecentimeter within the tumor cavity all together is indicative of recurrencerather than radiation necrosis.  Theneurosurgeon is confident that she can remove most of the new growth.  risk of worsening my clinical symptoms islow; but there is a risk of infection of the brain due to radiation on theskull.  Without surgery the tumor willcontinue to grow and sooner or later cause clinical symptoms. With surgery theheadaches likely persist.  chances thatanother recurrence occurs remain the same. So I now have to decide what to do.



Today isTuesday April 10. After talking with my immediate family, I decided againstsurgery.  I felt the therapeutic benefitwas outweighed by the risk. I feel content with that choice and relieved.  I continue with my regular routine, monitorthe headaches and keep track of the Tylenol. Sooner or later the earthly endwill come, and I’d rather die with my brain function reasonably intact. As longas I can pray, talk with Jesus and be in god’s presence I’ll be fine.


May 2018

Today is Wednesday May 19. 2018. Afew weeks ago I had a severe neuropathic attack in my left hand. I experienceda very painful burning sensation in my left hand starting from the palm andspreading into the fingers; it felt as if the entire hand is in flames andburning; I felt little explosions in the fingers; at the same time my upper armwas constantly cramping. this whole episode lasted about 30 seconds and wasextremely painful. I had another of these attacks on May 6 and 9.  Also over the past four to five weeks theheadaches increased in severity and frequency. the headaches occur at all places and tare most intense in the morning.I spoke with my oncologist at HCMC and we scheduled another MRI for May 20.


the MRI revealed a dramatic worsening and rapidlygrowing tumor surrounded by an edema. we scheduled surgery. I had several morefocal seizures and excruciating pain.





I was operated on Friday June 1; everything went well. I amthankful to the excellent care of the neurosurgery team at HCMC inMinneapolis.  and Nancy my faithful wifewho looks after me with care and love.

the seizures are gone, the headaches remain; I look forward to areasonably pain-free summer.

June10, 2018

today is June 10; I was released from the hospital last Tuesdayand now am back home.

June 15, 2018

Unfortunately, the headaches got worse and the focal seizurescame back again on Friday June 15. We rushed to the emergency room in DetroitLakes hospital to perform a series of CT scans, the images were sent to theneurosurgery team at HCMC. the neurosurgeons asked us to drive down the sameevening for shunt surgery the next morning. there was significant fluid build up in the lateral ventricles that neededto be drained. we arrived at the ER and ICU at HCMC at around 10pm this FridayJune 15.  the shunt surgery was performedon Saturday June 16 at 7:30am.   thesurgery lasted three hours. I stayed in the hospital until Tuesday June19.  then I was discharged, and we spenta week at the hope Lodge in Minneapolis to rest heal and recover.

June 27, 2018

Today is Wednesday June 27. We arrived yesterday at home at last

Hopefully the tumor gives me a shortbreak to rest and sleep.  headaches andpain in the abdomen are endurable.

July 2018

today is Monday July 2 2018.   so far I am still doing reasonably well. Ienjoy good company and care of my wife. the weather is fair and I love to eat schokolade. I get around with my caneand rest a lot.

July 8, 2018

Today is SundayJuly 8, 2018. It is a travel day; again time to drive to the clinic HCMC inMinneapolis to meet with my health care team to discuss furthertreatment.   

July 9, 2018

On Monday July 9,2018 we removed the stitches and clamps from the shunt surgery; everythinghealed well.  with the radiologist we discussed a radiation plan. we willuse spot radiation at a low dose to target a small region of recurrent tumorthat could not entirely removed by surgery but appears as a rim in theresection cavity.  this is similar to the gamma knife technique.  atthe same day we made a new mask and run a MRI.  it was very professionaland efficient.  The radiation should go for four weeks and last threeminutes per session.

July 10, 2018

On Tuesday July 10we met with the oncologist.we talked about temodar and avastin as adjuvantchemotherapy. I opted for temodar, knowing what I will be getting.

July 13, 2018

so currently, Friday July 13, 2018,

I am waiting for the radiation planto be put in place and the approval of the temodar treatment by the healthinsurance.   Once that is in place we will drive again to Minneapolisand stay at the hope lodge  during radiation. 

everything was put in place the nextweek.

July 23, 2018

 Radiation andchemotherapy started on Monday July, 23.  the dose of temodar is 125mgwhich I take about an hour  before radiation.  For the radiation wedrive to the clinic park in the basement parkinglot and walk to the radiologycenter. radiation itself lasts a bout 10 minutes; the whole affair chceckingin, waiting a little getting in the table putting the mask on and moving thebeam around the head takes about 10 minutes.

July 26, 2018

on Tuesday July 26; I had a pretty bad sleep; I was againdisoriented the entire night; had no idea of the time and space; I wasneauseaus  and had a lot of headaches. some headqches come aspressing  and can last up to an hour. some headaches as flashes  thatpinch like needles through the brain.  in the morning I was still shakyand dizzy ; after the radiation we met with the NP and he ordered a ct scan tocheck on the shunt and fluid build- up in the ventricles; the scan came outnormal.  T combat the headaches the nurse practitioner prescribed steroidsagain. so far this too seems to help.   my sleep pattern is stillmessed up and I catch up with naps during the day

sometimes I have the feeling I amnot the person I used to be. ; that comes mostly after long periods ofheadaches and estless. the pain is ever present

July 31, 2018

today is TuesdayJuly 31;alsoknown as St. Ignatius day; nancy and I celebrated with grilledsalmon and strawberries with wipped cream. it was a nice day ; we also walkedalong the Mississippi.

August 2018

Today is Friday August 18 2018.  three weeks ago my momcame from Germany to visit me. we had a wonderful time together; we went on aboat tour on the Mississippi , drove around downtown minneapolis andtoured  the cathedral in st paul. we talked a lot and enjoyed each otherscompany.we brought her along to the clinic and she met my doctors, theradiologist, dr raman the oncologist, dr. rausch and the neurosurgeon drsamadani.  

toToday is also the last day ofradiation. chemo ends on Sunday evening.  I am glad it is over and I get abreak. The radiation itself is not painful; they are just ordinary x-rays; thetype of xrays they use to image your broken leg. but the whole set up, thetable, the radiators zooming around my head; the buzzing noise of the machine,the green laser and the mask over my face plus every sign contains the wordcancer; all that has its emotional toll.

the follow-up brainscan MRI is setfor Sept. 12.  I hope that the tumor did not grow or even regressed. I’lltake it from where it is.

August 24. 2018

Today is FridayAugust 24. 2018.  I am back home at the farm in Detroit Lakes getting backin the routine. I go to the gym in the morning for a light workout on the bike,then have lunch and rest in the afternoon. on wednesday I took a massage; that feltgood.  I sleep reasonably well ; get up a few times during the night butfeel rested  in the morning. I rise around 4am have a coffee and do mymeditation.   at 7am I have breakfast and go back to bed for a nap.for breakfast I have a slide of toast, banana and orangejuice with mymedication.  the headaches are chronic, but Tylenol helps.

September 2018

Today is SaturdaySeptember 15.  yesterday I returned back from Minneapolis. The last MRIscan showed that the tumor keeps growing. report says that given these changesrecurrent tumor is most likely.  since I just had a surgery on June 1 wedecided to continue with the chemotherapy (Temodar) and do another scan in sixweeks – October 31.   Nothing so far seems to stop the cancer fromexpanding. The physicians have not given up on me and that keeps me trooping ontogether with the loving support of my wife Nancy and my family: elfriede andSusanne.   knowing that the good Lord has prepared a dwelling placein heaven keeps me content and hopeful too. something to look forward to in allthis misery.  The sufferings of this present time are as nothing comparedwith the glory revealed to us. for in hope we are saved.  So in hope Iwait with endurance. good news is there are No new areas of new contrast enhancementwithin the brain parenchyma. the tumor is not wandering around; thank God.

Sept. 21, 2018

Today is FridaySept. 21.  Last Tuesday I started with the Temodar chemotherapy. I use300mg per day.I take it before bedtime at 9pm. so far so good; no dramatic sideeffects and I sleep well.  During the day I try to stay active on thebike.

Sept. 25, 2018

Today is TuesdaySeptember 25; I am off temodar again; I have some nausea and sleep a lot. . last night I dreamed the oncologist saying:” your mri showed no sign of thetumor”

Sept. 28, 2018

Today is FridaySept. 28, 2018;   It was two years ago that I was diagnosed. andunexpectently I am still around against the odds.  I am mostly thankful tothe Lord, my wife Nancy, my family and the excellent medical staff at HCMC.aswell as my friends and spiritual companions. whose constant care and supportbreathes purpose and life into me.

October 2018

Today is FridayOctober 5, 2018. Its Nancy s birthday. we shared a quiet meal at Emanuel.

Oct. 10, 2018

today is WednesdayOctober 10 2018; it snows and we are driving to the clinic in Minneapolis to dosome blood work and meet with the oncologist.

Oct. 12, 2018

now is Friday oct. 12.

the blood counts and enzymes are allnormal. I am very healthy. for the next round of chemotherapy, we increased thedose of temodar to 400mg for five days.   for five days Weighed192pounds My body mass index was  27.0

Oct. 17, 2018

today is WednesdayOctober 17, 2018. yesterday evening I started with the chemo.   Mysleep is all messed up again. I wake up very early and have difficultiessleeping during the day. the headaches are always there sometimes as pressingsometimes as a stinging pain.  the nausea is a pain too.  especiallyin the morning

Oct. 22, 2018

today is Monday october22.  the chemo is over! this was a hard one.now I have a break until October 31.


Oct.31, 2018

Wednesday, October 31 was the MRI


November 2018

Thursday, November 1 – I Met withDr. Samadani to discuss the MRI results. There is new tumor growth and shefeels confident in performing a third craniotomy to remove the new growth. Thesurgery is scheduled for tomorrow, 

Nov. 2nd 2018

Friday, November 2.

we stayed at the Hope Lodge Iprepared for the surgery and drove to the clinic  at the early morning.The surgery lasted three hours. The follow-up MRI  showed that allvisible tumor was removed. There was no functional impairment Of my left bodyside

The week after surgery I waited foracceptance in the KNAPP REHAB program.   During that week I hadphysical, occupational and speech language therapy.

Nov. 9, 2018

On Friday November 9 I was transferred to the Knapp Rehabdepartment

Nancy was not able to stay with mein the room because I had a roommate.

I was anxious without her and didnot feel great. 

during the next 10 days I made a lotof progress to the point that we discussed a discharge date

Nov. 19, 2018

On Monday NOVEMBER 19 I had a full schedule of therapies. At2:00 that afternoon, I had to quit Occupational Therapy early because Icouldn’t concentrate. Nancy walked me back to my room and I went to bed. Nancyremarked that my hands looked blotchy and red. The other therapies were cancelledfor the day.

My dinner arrived that evening, butI continued to sleep and didn’t eat. At 6:00 that evening, Nancy noticed thatmy cheeks were red. She asked a nurses’ aid to check my temperature. The aidsaid that it was normal. However, Nancy asked the nurse to check my temperatureagain just 15 minutes later and it was 103 degrees Fahrenheit!

Nancy and the nurse requested aphysician immediately. Another nurse came to try to draw blood from two sitesand to insert a i.v. She had so much difficulty that they called in theoperating room anesthesiologist. After 3 hours, they brought me to theEmergency Department as a possible Sepsis diagnosis.

In the Emergency Room there was aflurry of activity all at once – i.v. with the antibiotic Vancomycin, chest x-ray,lumbar puncture for spinal fluid, head C.T. scan and head x-ray. Nancy stayedwith me the entire time. Nancy told me that I was delirious and couldn’t putwords together in a sentence and even forgot my mother Elfriede’s name!

Nov. 20, 2018

The next morning, Tuesday, November 20, Dr. Mollie Hubbard, thehead neurosurgery resident, said that I had a infection of the central nervoussystem, and that the team needed to do surgery that morning to remove theinfected shunt. The surgery was performed at 7:30AM hat morning. the surgeonsalso removed the piece of skull that was covering the tumor site.

I made it through surgery. Myinternal shunt was replaced with an external drain that empties into a bag. I’mon i.v. vancomycin antibiotic. Because of the external brain drain, I willremain the in ICU. Nancy is staying at Hope Lodge.

Nov. 22, 2018

Today is Thursday, November 22, Thanksgiving Day. We celebratedwith a turkey dinner and pumpkin pie at the hospital. My fever is resolved andI am out of the delirium! I was able to sit in the reclining chair. Because ofmy missing piece of skull, I were a plastic helmet while sitting and walking.

My shunt and the piece of skull wereinfected with Staphylococcusepidermidis, a skin bacterium. They continue monitoring my cerebralspinal fluid from the drain for infection.

Nov. 24, 2018

Saturday, November24, I called Elfriede to wish her a happy 83rd birthday

Nov. 26, 2018

Dr. Samadani andthe neurosurgery team scheduled surgery to put the internal shunt back in on

Nov. 28, 2018

Wednesday, November 28. All the cultures are clear of bacteriaand they feel confidence that the Staph infection is cleared. Nancy left HopeLodge to drive home to the farm to check on Dad and get our winter clothes.She’ll be back on Thursday after surgery.

Wednesday, November 28

The shunt was successfully replaced.

I have only vague memories on thissurgery. the days after the surgery were some off the darkest days I everexperienced i felt like in a Koma; unconscious and surrounded by a cloud ofpain in the brain. I had that urge to pray to the lord

to be with me and help me throughthis darkness and distress.  I felt miserable,nauceous and sick in mystomach. I felt a pressing stinging pain on the front and side of my brain. itwas barely endurable. In addition I was totally confused why did I not want toeat? Iwanted to sleep and rest in peace, but the pain prevented it.

Nov. 29, 2018

Thursday, November 29

Nancy returned from Lake Park andshe is staying at a guest room at Augustana Care Center, close to the hospital.

Nov. 30, 2018

Friday, November 30

Today I was transferred once againto Knapp Rehab department. This morning I walked with assistance, but I’m veryunstable. I have a private room, but Nancy is staying at the Augustana apartmentthis week.

after the surgery I lost my appetiteand I stopped eating . nothing tasted and I Had to force the food down. I didnot know what was going on.  On around December 21 I started eating againafter a conversation with Dr. Samadani who encouraged me to hang in and to keepon fighting. the team believed in me and that made me strong.

December 2018


Christmas, 2018

I don’t havevery clear memories of celebrating Christmas in the hospital. ChristineBrunkhorst brought a giant stocking filled with goodies including a candle thatwe turned on and at night it was very gamutlich.


December 2, 2018

Sunday, December 2, 2018

At around 3:00 a.m. I called the nurse and vomited. He tookmy temperature and it was once again 103 degrees. They brought me to theEmergency Department again with a diagnosis of possible sepsis. They phonedNancy at 6:00 a.m. and she met me at the Emergency Room.

Dr. Samadani performed surgery this morning to remove thisshunt that was only implanted 4 days ago! I once again have an external drainfrom my brain and will remain in the ICU. The infectious disease team wasconfident that the infection was cleared and nothing grew from the culturestaken from my cerebral spinal fluid samples. Nancy stays with me in the roomand sleeps on the bench in the room. She goes to Jim and Jane Scullin’sapartment in St. Paul to take showers.

December 5, 2018

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Nancy has a photo of me walking withmy Mephisto shoes down the hallway in the ICU. I have an external drain from mybrain and an i.v. for antibiotics. The next day, December 6, she took a videoof me walking with the physical therapist and nurses’ aid rolling the i.v. anddrain poles along.

December 14, 2018

Friday, December 14, 2018

This morning, I had what I thoughtwas a focal seizure on my left leg, and a few minutes later on my left hand.Dr. Samadani reviewed the videos that Nancy took and said it was more of atremor rather than a seizure.

December 15-16, 2018

Saturday – Sunday, December 15-16, 2019

This weekend I developed anotherfever. The shunt is out, and I’m on Vancomycin antibiotics and the CNS culturesare negative. However, the infectious disease team began two additional i.v.antibiotics to combat both Gram-positive and Gram-negative bacteria.

December 17-18, 2018

Monday-Tuesday, December 17-18

It’s unclear to me what day thefever broke, but either Monday or Tuesday, I was feeling better and sang aGerman Christmas Song to Dr. Samadani during her rounds (“Leise rieselt derSchnee”), which she included in her medical record notes!

Pastor Noennig and his wife Gwenfrom Zion Lutheran in Detroit Lakes visited me on December 20. We prayed for mysurgery scheduled for tomorrow, and reflected on heaven.

December 21, 2018

December 21, 2018

This morning, I had my final surgery(8 in total) to remove the external ventricular shunt and replace with a newinternal shunt. The surgery went well and I was finally transferred out of theICU to a another hospital wing.

December 31, 2018


Christmas, 2018

I don’t have very clear memories ofcelebrating Christmas in the hospital. Christine Brunkhorst brought a giantstocking filled with goodies including a candle that we turned on and at nightit was very gamutlich.

January 2019

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Nancy packed up our car, brought mein the wheel chair and we drove 20 minutes to Interlude, a transitional carefacility in Plymouth. This was the first time I was out and it was a remarkablewarm day for January in Minnesota. I was in the hospital at HCMC since November2, more than two months.

Jan. 10, 2019

Thursday Jan. 10, 2019

It is a sunny but cold day. We stayat the Interlude in Plymouth

I undergo physical and occupationaltherapy in addition to speech language pathology. The rehabilitation is intenseand exhausting. The staff are competent, nice and helpful. My headaches areunder control. Things are improving. I finally have an appetite and the foodtastes good. I meet and visit with friends.

January, 13, 2019

Sunday, January, 13, 2019

I invited my companions from theIgnatian Associates for faith sharing, where we talk about the Lord and Jesus.I always feel that these conversations touch on the real  questions inlife and give me consolation and peace.

Jan. 15, 2019

Tuesday, January 15

I had 45 minutes occupationaltherapy. I had to pick up small glass marbles with my left hand and sort themout individually. The activity gave me a strong headache and we had to quit.For lunch I had chicken chili and a carrot cake for desert. My head feels numband foggy. I already took two Tylenol tablets. During physical therapy wefocused on balancing exercises. Those I find very difficult. 

My favored activity is praying andpraising the Lord. To this end I borrowed a Bible from the library and read thepsalms with Nancy

My sleep is good. I have appetiteand eat again.

January 16, 2019

Wednesday January 16, 2019

I woke up at 7AM. I had a restfulsleep  I eat breakfast at 8:30 a.m. with two fried eggs with hashbrowns, aglass of milk and a cup of Starbucks coffee.

Today is one of those days when thecancer is hitting me. I am aware that I am dying. I know that I have only a fewmore months to live.  I am sad and I could cry. My life was short and Ihad so many plans. wWhy did the Lord cut me short? I have no answer. I wish Iknew how the end will play out. Knowing that there is a second life comfortsme, but still I am sad. I have to leave my wife Nancy while she needs me. Ifeel by dying I failed her. I wished I could have been with her until our end.She has such a big heart. 

I had physical therapy, occupationaland speech language therapy. this `was all very exhausting. In the evening Iexperienced some pain in my bottom. no rash or open skin.  I had a modestsleep.

January 17, 2019

Thursday, January 17

I went through the usual routine –breakfast, physical therapy, medication, meditation, checking mail and writingand making phone calls. Today I learned about a dear friend’s daughter’s braincancer. The daughter goes through the same pain and suffering. I ask Jesus whyare you letting this happen? In the gospel today Jesus heals the lepper whowants to be healed. I am thinking that the Lord is testing us. He has alwaystested his servants.

Jesus was tempted in the desert andthe Lord tested his prophets. I am called to follow Jesus in his sufferingseven to the cross and to partake in his resurrection (Paul. I pray to keep thefaith. Jesus help me in my helplessness.the lord did not forsake Jesus .neither will he forsake me. 

January 18, 2019

Friday January 18.

I have the usual therapy drill and acare conference planning the discharge and medication schedule. For lunch I hadtotellinis with meatballs. It tasted delicious. For desert I saved acarrotcake.

January 20, 2019

Sunday January 20, 2019

I had a good and restful sleep andonly minor headaches so far. I had 30 minutes of physical therapy walkingstairs and standing on one leg.

we are getting ready for dischargetomorrow.

Jan. 21, 2019

My body feels good.

Two days ago I had  a mildfocal seizure.  The next MRI is scheduled for  Jan. 21, 2019. On Jan.23 I have scheduled  a follow-up meeting with the oncologist.  ThisMRI will be another moment of truth since we are running out of treatmentoptions, and a 4th craniotomy to remove new tumor growth is not an option.

January, 22, 2019

Tuesday January, 22, 2019

It is cold and it snowed over night.Ifeel good, and headaches are mild.

January 24, 2019

Thursday January 24, 2019

I met with the oncologist Dr. Rauschto go over the MRI scans. The tumor keeps growing. Dr. Samadani, theneurosurgeon, argued against additional surgery. I consulted with theradiologist Dr. Raman. He consulted with experts at Mayo Clinic and in Miami.We talked over the phone in the car on our way back home to the farm. Theconsensus is that additional radiation would not be beneficial. The consensusis that clinical symptoms will unlikely be severe due to the large cavitycreated by removing the tumor. So, we do nothing, just see and wait, staypositive, active and live each day.

Back on the farm

January 31, 2019

Thursday,January 31, 2019

I started with physical outpatient therapy at Ecumen in DetroitLakes. I feel exhausted and challenged.

February, 2019

February, 2019

Friday, February 1, 2019

I had a good sleep and feelrested. I survived another night and rejoice! I felt pain in my left legand knee and trouble walking straight.

Nancy and Ispent the day at Ecumen having lunch with Charles and resting in his room,painfree!


February 2, 2019


Saturday, February 2, 2019

I hada restful sleep and rose at 1a.m. and made coffee. gratitude is the pathway tohappiness. I feel happy and content. I think that because I am more thankful Iunderstand the Lord and the gospel better than before my disease. I am moretrustful. I spent the day at Ecumen with family.

February 3, 2019

Sunday, February 3, 2019

It is a travel day. We drive to theHCMC clinic in Minneapolis for an eye exam. Snow is in the forecast.

February 4, 2019

Monday, February 4, 2019

We had a save travel and stayed atthe Hampton Inn, the hotel that Elfriede stayed during her visit this summer. Ifeel good and am thankful for another night survived.

February 5, 2019

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

I had a good rest, painfree. I hadan eye exam. My left field cut condition is stable and everything is ok.

February 6, 2019

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

We have a travel day. We drive backto Detroit lakes where the weather is wintry snow and cold. Because of the poorvisibility, We stayed at a hotel on the lake in Detroit Lakes. Nancy is anexcellent driver.

February 7, 2019

Thursday, February 7, 2019

I had a good sleep, rested with nopain.

Gratitude as the pathway tohappiness – by this standard did I lead a happy life? I was often resentful andI could have been more forgiving and generous. I was often presumptious andarrogant; proud of my accomplishments. I did not realize that the talents weregifts, not based on merit but on God’s love and compassion.

In these days I feel privileged; I can spent all my time in the House of theLord. This is what I always wanted! I often pray that the Lord have pity on mea sinner, or Jesus you are the center of my life help me in my helplessness,come and hold me close to you and I thank you for the gift of life!

February 9, 2019

Saturday, February 9, 2019

We drove back to the farm after theblizzard and stranded at a hotel in Detroit Lakes. it feels good to be homeagain after so many surgeries and weeks in the hospital and other facilities. Ienjoyed making coffee this morning. The silence is wonderful. Thanks be to God!

February 10, 2019

Sunday, February 10, 2019

I got up early at 2 a.m., and madecoffee. I had a restful sleep. Rejoice with me! I am still alive and around andalert to praise the Lord. I feel in communion with those who are also sufferingand are in distress. I feel like helping them carrying their yoke.

February 13, 2019

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

It is early in the morning. I amthankful for another day of life. I enjoy the moments and rest; watching thesnowflakes falling down. I hope this lasts. There seems to be a switch in mymood. Previously I was more hoping for the end to come, whereas now I want mysituation to last so I can spend time thanking and praising the Father, to seekhim in his temple and gaze upon his beauty. I also believe in the power ofpraying for others and this is what I would like to spend my time. Oftentimes Isee the image of the last MRI scan in my mind, that new growth extending intothe primordial cavity. I wonder how and if it is progressing. I try to remainindifferent.

February 14, 2019

Thursday, February 14, 2019

The day just started. It is 5 in themorning I enjoyed a coffee and my meditation. I am reading again The Imitation of Christ byThomas Kempis, my favorite author. He puts everything in the right place – Godis first and everything else is second. Not much is gained by engaging inworldly matters. Just the opposite: we loose our peace and focus.

I still have problems getting in andout of my pants. It takes a great amount of cognitive effort to get the pantsright. Most often they are inside out or the wrong side, but with patience andbrains it works. Also putting the coat on a hanger is not so easy. I hadphysical therapy today, which was quiet exhausting. We worked on strengtheningthe left foot. Then I enjoyed a Valentines day lunch with Nancy that includedcherry schokolade marzipane pralines from Germany. The afternoon I rested onCharles’ bed at Ecumen.

February 15, 2019

Friday, February 15, 2019

I had a good and restful sleep.“This is my story, this is my song: praising my Savior all the day long.”

February 17, 2019

Sunday, February 17, 2019

I shaved my face with a razor andwashed my head.my scull feels weiredpieces of bone sticking ou

February 18, 2019

Monday, February 18, 2019

I spent the day at Ecumen restingand sleeping. I enjoyed a good lunch and brownies with banana bread fordeserts.

b v

a reflection on hell

during one of those restless nightshell crossed my mind and whenever I think of hell I think of Jean Paul Satrewho exclaims in one of his plays: “hell that is the others!”. 

when I first heard this I thoughtyeah that is about right; I can see that; think about all the subtle nastitiesthat  undermine a relationship . this night then I thought how it would bein hell.  I imagined I had died and a squad of little devils with wings attheir back came and led me down the isle of an amphitheater towards the centerstage. I turned around and saw the tiers and empty rows. the devils brought meto a lower tier and set me in a row beside a guy who looked like he was eager  to start a monolog about his life. I thought oh no ! hell starts.fortunately he didn’t say anything and I made it through the first night inhell just fine.  At the following morning the little devils brought in moredead souls. the strange thing was that these  new fellows looked all alikeand they looked like me! kind of short, hands in their pocket staring at theirshoes – I love shoes and looking around. the devils brought them to their seatand then left. nobody said a word; it was pretty quiet.  I thought o no; Iam all with myself now for the rest of this life; that’s hell.  So I wouldhave to correct Satre: Hell is yourself; when it is only you but  withoutthe other.   So I came to think, to escape hell we need healthy lovingand forgiving relationships to others ourselves and God. in short  weought to be imitators of Jesus. Hell is the absence of love.

February 19, 2019

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

I woke up at dawn, made coffee andenjoyed the sun rising over the farm.

February 21, 2019

Today isThursday, February 21, 2019i hadone hour of physicaltherapywalking working thenustep snd leg presss

Today isThursday, February 21, 2019ihadone hour of physical therapywalking working thenustep and leg presssi restedat ecumen

Ihad soup and sandwich for supperand went to bed at 7pm.

February 22, 2019

today is Friday, February 22, 201i got up early but I feel weak and shaky on my leftleg,that weakness concerns me and the therapiyit has gotten worse over the pastweeks. th eleg hurts whike I walk and I drag it behind mei have to do more workin the gym: walking,nustep and legpress.

February 23, 2019

The quality of life has become much better after the temodarchemo ended. I can sleep during the night and feel rested in the morning. Regarding appetite I settled on a few dishes such as sushi and shrimp pasta.For breakfast I take waffles and fried eggs.  I weigh 159 pounds and havea normal body mass index.

Another major challenge has been andstill is finding meaning and purpose in the daily activities.  I alwayshad far reaching plans. Now I bake smaller rolls.  I help Nancy with herchores and stay engaged with managing my affairs (appointments, medication,health insurance claims.  I did some research on going full time workingagain.  But for the most part I feel called to pray and to meditatefollowing Paul’s advice : pray without ceasing always giving thanks becausethis is what God wants you to do.  The mystic Ignatius of Loyola teachesGod has created us out of love and wants to share life with us. We are torespond to God’s love by our praise, honor and service of the God of our Life. All other things are created to help us to achieve that goal. He says we shoulduse them with a healthy dose of indifference and detachment.  I wasexposed to his principle early on in my life and it served me well throughout.It gave me a frame of reference and principle of life. Holding yourselfin  balance is key.  So now, I should not fix my desire on health or sickness, but only on what is most conducive to the end for which Iam created, namely God’s deepening love in me. Thank you to my Jesuit friends,HerbertJP, Jim,Warren, Joe  and Mark; thank you for teaching meJesus!  Saturday, February 23, 2019

I had an OK sleep. My left leg feelsheavy and I drag it behind me while walking. It hurts. Yesterday while drivingback to the farm we got stuck in the ditch. There was zero visibility.Everything was white. Big blizzard. Chris pulled us out with his truck and wegot home.

February 24, 2019

today is Sunday,February 24, 2019we wanted to go to church this morning but the servicewas cancelled because of the blizzard. I had abig breakfast. nancy made mewaffles and bought a cinnamon coffee cake from a nearby caribou café, I sit onthe desk in the hotelroom. walking was hard this morning: the left leg and footwere stiff and heavyi am concerned about this

February 26, 2019

today is Tuesday,February 26, 2019i got up early to work on this blog. it is tedious work butwith patience and brains I make progress Nancy does not want me to rise soearly, but today I prevailed.

March 2019

TODAY ISTuesday, March 5, 2019WE STAY AT THE HOPELODGE INMINNEAPOLISIHAD AN MRI AT 9:30in the evening the ignatian associates hosted fatMonday party. the food was delicious and the company was great I greatlyenjoyed seeing friends and talking with them I took a photo of each of them tokeep my memory fresh.

today nancy and I spent 2hourspraying at peaceful presence this is an initiative by the ias to come togetherevery second Wednesday of the month at the Presbyterian church ibn downtown stpaul to co sit in silence and pray

the prayer is followed by a lunchopen to the publicthis is truly awesomeministry. there is so much generosityand hospitality out there it is just amazing and wonderful.everybody of courseis welcome.

March 7, 2019

onThursday , March 7, 2019i met withthe drs to discuss the mri results. the tumor kept growingthe neurosurgeoncannot recommend surgery; the risk for complications and infections is superhigh. thereis no guarantee I could leave the hospital. the symptoms would notget better. the tumor is now encroaching on the parenchym that controls themotor function. this explains the detoriation of my left leg and arm. she saidthat ultimatelyas the tumor grows the left sidewill be paralyzed

the oncologist recommendedimmunotherapy with avastin, to reduce swellingon the same day I had the firstinfusion. I need to monitor the blood pressure. I also got additional ordersfor pt and ot the plan is to strengthen the arm and leg

March 9, 2019

today is Saturday, March 9, 2019we also bought awheelchairaccessiblievani had agood sleep the leg isstill somewhat stiff but I ammotivated to hit the gym and work hard during physical therapy.i want to keepmy mobility I look forward to spring. all things considered I feel very goodthankful happy and content



March 10, 2019

Clinically my leftleg and foot hurts and walking is difficult. I feel burning, tinglingsensations in my left hand which is painful and frightening. The left footfeels twisted and lame and heavy and numb.

March 15, 2019

Friday, March 15, 2019

I got up early and made coffee andput on socks and shoes. No pain!  spent the day at Ecumen resting inCharles’ room.

March 17, 2019

today is Sunday, March 17, 2019
Today is Sunday Marchmarch 17 about330amihad a decent sleep and feel rested nopain head arm and legs are ok.coffeeis strong and tasty


March 18, 2019


April 2019

today isWednesday, April 3, 2019slept reasonably well

ihad one houroccuptional therapyworking on the pegboard. there was some improvement in speed. I got ahaircutand rested in the afternoon

April 4, 2019

Thursday, April 4, 2019

I have aslight headache. I got up at4 am put my pants on and socks and shoes, brewed a coffee and journaled. Ienjoy listening to the meows of the new kitties in the house; they are so cute.

we went to a Lenten serviceyesterday at Zion Lutheran. Worshipping is the most liked activity and I reallyfeel that praising the Lord is the purpose of life. It is comforting andconsoling. I also hold up friends and others in my prayer, I believe in thehealing and protecting power of Jesus.

April 5, 2019

riday, April 5, 2019

Friday, April 5, 2019

It is my dad Erhard’s birthday. Hewould have turned 89 years old. He died a year ago, February 11, 2018.

I still remember my last visit withhim in my hometown in Germany. We sat together around the dining table and ateice cream. We both liked the hazelnut flavor. He worried about my brotherBerhard who dissociated himself from the family. I am convinced he will comeback.

I feel strange in these days. I knowthe tumor is growing and I feel like sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Death.My heart desires to be with the Lord and feel the warmth of his love. My leg isheavy and stiff walking is shuffling but otherwise I feel great there is stillsnow on the farm but Spring is coming.


was veryshaky this morning puttingon my robe I fell on the floor.

April 10, 2019

today is Wednesday, April 10, 2019.good sleep early breakfast cherry turnovers. I want to cut down on the sugarsweets. sunny morning. no pains, put on socks and pants and boots.i rest mostof the day ;carry the helmet again.enjoy the kittiesrunning around in thelivingroom.rain and snow iare in the forecast

April 11, 2019

todayisthursdayApril11 my sistersusanna’s birthday wehad a nice conversation on thephone. I enjoy talking with her she isan awesome sister and mother.

April 13, 2019

today isSaturday, April 13, 2019. it is a sunny day we had lunchwith Charles at ecumen

no pains normal vitals sometimes myarm cramps and my hand twitches I havea cold  we are getting ready for ournext visit to the clinic next week. snow and raiarein the forecast. not good,but hopefully doable

themri showed that the tumordid notgrow since the last imaging in fact the tumor shrank, the physicians wereecstatic the neurosurgeon was thrilled by the rethe healing of my soul and mybrainsult and totally surprisedi washappy to hear the good newsand see thedoctors rerspobding to it.the neurosurgeon recommended to keep praying asthiddeems to work and helpi told my ignatian associates to continue praying when doyou get praying as a prescription?

April 16, 2019

Tuesday, April16

I had my scheduled 6-week MRI atHennepin County Medical Center in Minneapolis.

April 17, 2019

today is Wednesday pril 17. I met with the oncologist to go overthe mri results. the tumor did not grow but instead regressed yeah it shrankthat is totallysurprising

the neurosurgeon was tcstatic”thrilledthe praying seems to help and she prescribed additional prayers fromthe ignatiab associates; I am happy and contenti look at it as aeaster I wentshthanking the lord and bought socks and a blazermiracle

April 18, 2019

Thursday, April 18 – An Easter Miracle!

I met with the Dr. Rausch, myoncologist, to go over the MRI results. The MRI showed that the tumor DID NOTGROW since the last imagin, and in fact the tumor REGRESSED! The physicianswere ecstatic and the neurosurgeon was thrilled with the results. Sherecommended to keep the prayers coming from from my faith community as thatseems to work. When do you get praying as a prescription?

I am happy to hear the good news andto see the doctors responding to it. I look at it as an Easter Miracle. I wentthanking the Lord and bought socks and a blazer.

April 27, 2019

Saturday, April 27, 2019

We are back at the farm and thankingthe Lord for this Easter Miracle.

April 29, 2019

Sleep was okay, but walking was problematic.My left foot did not want to move.


May 2019





May 25, 2019

May201Saturday, May 25, 2019today is sat.may252019i strugglewith my left leg and foot. I need acane to move aroundi worked a lot on mycellphone with the help of the at

7t people in the afternoon nancybaked acake for us

GOD’S ANGELS WERE NEAR METODAY ISMONDAY june24 2019NO I had one hour of speechtherapy NEROLOGICAL SYMPYOMSthetasks are challenging but doable it feels good to leave the therapy withappositive feeling and having had positive andupliftingexperiences.   yesterday I spent several hours on thinternet trying to order a fewitems including shoes ;for some reasons it didnot work I could not get to the site where I could place the order I did thisso many times in the pastand felt frustrated, It feels like I work off from twomemory boxes getting conflicting instructions leading me to nowhere feelexhausted and drained. I need to limit the time on the computer and iphone.mosttime of the day I feel like resting.

I borrowed some books by Thomasmerton

I again realize the danger ofidolizingregardless what the idol isit does not please the lord andironicallyour own wells are leakyand faulty.I idolized independence andselfsufficiencyno comfort in this now

I started with physical outpatienttherapy at Ecumen in Detroit Lakes. I feel exhausted and challenged.

June 2019

GOD’S ANGELS WERE NEAR METODAY IS MONDAY june24  2019NO Ihad one hour of speech therapy NEROLOGICAL Symptoms the tasks are challengingbut doable it feels good to leave the therapy with appositive feeling andhaving had positive and uplifting experiences.   yesterday I spentseveral hours on th internet trying to order a few items including shoes ;forsome reasons it did not work I could not get to the site where I could placethe order I did this so many times in the past and felt frustrated, It feelslike I work off from two memory boxes getting conflicting instructions leadingme to nowhere feel exhausted and drained. I need to limit the time on thecomputer and iPhone. most time of the day I feel like resting.

I borrowed some books by Thomasmerton

I again realize the danger ofidolizing regardless what the idol is it does not please the lord andironically our own wells are leaky and faulty. I idolized independence andself-sufficiency no comfort in this now instead I find comfort and consolationin god’s love and promises I will never forget you see I have engraved yourname in the palm of my hand.

June 24, 2019

GOD’S ANGELS WERENEAR METODAY IS MONDAY june24 2019NO I had one hour of speechtherapyNEROLOGICAL SYMPYOMSthe tasks are challenging but doable it feels good to leavethe therapy with appositive feeling and having had positive andupliftingexperiences.   yesterday I spent several hours on thinternet trying to order a fewitems including shoes ;for some reasons it didnot work I could not get to the site where I could place the order I did thisso many times in the pastand felt frustrated, It feels like I work off from twomemory boxes getting conflicting instructions leading me to nowhere feelexhausted and drained. I need to limit the time on the computer and iphone.mosttime of the day I feel like resting.


June 29, 2019

I borrowed some books by Thomasmerton

I again realize the danger ofidolizingregardless what the idol isit does not please the lord andironicallyour own wells are leakyand faulty.I idolized independence andselfsufficiencyno comfort in this nowinstead I find comfort and consolation ingod’s love and promisesi will neverforget yousee ihave engraved yourname in thepalm of my hand.i sleptreasonablywell and had a good breakfast. in theafternoon I napped

today is Saturday june292019

June 30, 2019

todayisSunday, June 30, 2019

we went to worship at zionlutheranchurchfor lunch chrisgrilled brats and burgers. it is anice summerdaymy footfeels like a piece of logwalking is difficult and feels like schlepping myleftlegbehind me



TodayisthursdayJuly112019Isleptthroughthenightandgot up at7am I had friedeggsovertoast and orange juice I also had coffee cakeand coffeee uhave headaches a d train my leg my left arm jerksseveraltimesperminutebut no pain attacks ikeepmy shoulderbags organized and enjoy readingThomas Merton I like his humility and deference to the lord the father isaboveallhislove keepsusalive

July 1, 2019


today is Monday, July 1, 2019

7t people in the afternoon nancybaked acake for us

ihad abadsleep I keep slipping on my left arm with my body I wake up and can’t move thearm or hand I try to reach my lefthand with my right hand but no luckone falsemove with the arm and the hand is burningiam again very fatigued. I rganize mybusinesskalenders bags shoes


July 13, 2019


We secured severalcheesecakes:apple blueberriesandhad those in the afternoon with coffee



The applecheesecakewasdeliciousverygermantastingthe cheese is actuallymagerquark the crust is a regular pie crust check outomas kitchen store in wadena minnesota


July 15, 2019

Today is mondayjuly15 in afewhours we drive to thetwincitiesfor amriscan andavastin infusion I will also be meeting my oncologist dr Douglas Rausch he isvery nice and extremely smart andhewearsmephistoshoes.the staff at hcmc is verykind polite and gentle in short I like those visits it will be very hot todayrequiring smart dressing



August 2019

Dying is the slow process of separating from relationships

the complete separation from othersthen is death. But as Christian I believe that Jesus in His resurrectionovercame the sting of death and that THEREFOREI would be reunited with my lovedones


Aug. 25, 2019


Todayfridaysept2019lastmondayseptTodayisundayaugust25wewenttochurch thismorningduringbreakfast I reconciled with myroomateialreadyfeelthehealingpowerof reconciliation andforgivnesstodayisfriday.August30wereturnedfromavisitin the clinic we did some bloodworkandireceivedanother avastin infusionallwentwell in theafternoon I had coffee and cake and enjoyedthe company of the ia'sJudy and roy's day Christine asslwayshiswas consolingandcomfortinrhedrivehomewaseasy andonlyloght trafficigotnewordersforpt tohelpmewithmyarm

Ontuesdayseptember17 I had thelastbrainscan

Theresulteasdevastatingthetumorprogressedgrowingthinkthisisgodsplan formeatthecurrentstageofmylife ifeelihaveanother6monthstocloseout mylife keeppraising th lordthisiaskthisiseekspendingallthedsys ofmylife in thehoise of thelordrthankimglandpraisingthelord thisshsllbr thepurposeofmylifeforthenext6monthscurrentlyiswednesdayseptember25ienjoyanafternoonatthefarmhouserelaxibguthereclineroveracoffeecatchingupwiththe news


Aug. 31, 2019

today is Saturday, August 31,2019lastweek on Thursday August29;I had a blood draw and an avastininfusion,   everything went well the blood kidney heart and livervalues are all normal, in the afternoon I had coffee and cake with my ignatianassociates Roy and Judy and Christine as usual the mtgwas consoling andcomforting on Friday we drove back to Detroit lakes to spent the night at thelake. Today I recovered from the visit and the travel. In three weeks I willhave the next infusion and a brain scan. My left hand /arm and leg keepsbothering me WALKING IS PAINFUL I GOT A REFERAL FOR PT AND OT

September 2019 – Tumor Progression


Sept. 17, 2019

Tuesday,September 17

I had a brain MRI today at the theclinic at HCMC.

Sept. 18, 2019

Wednesday September18

In theafternoon we celebrated my 60th birthdaytogether with Roy Wolff who turned 85. We had a large group of IgnatianAssociates invited for German Hazelnut Cherry Torte. It was nice to see all thebeloved friends.

Sept. 19, 2019

Thursday September 19

We met with the oncologist Dr.Rausch to review the brain MRI scan. He was disappointed that the tumor hadprogressed. We continue with the Avastin infusions every three weeks. Nancy andI were devastated.

I take this as God’s planfor my current life.




Ihadalongsleeponlyminorpaininthefootatphysicaltherapyweworkedattheatmanhandliftingup pressingdownflippingoutwards andi grippingrubberbands.Iwalked37feetwithteanklebrace.ifollowtgelarestnobelaeardsinmedicinehocellssensethe level of oxygen igavetoreafuponthis alsoreadthattheusaupremecourt isheating acaseon religious freedom this time thechristianstudentrefuses torecite the Muslim creed lookingforwardtotheholding

Gra gratitude gisthe pathway tohappiness. No


Today is Saturday, October 12.

Cabin at the lake is covered withsnow. We have our winter coats and boots out.

My left foot still burns, but thecellulitis has gotten better. The ankle is less red and the antibiotics seem tohelp. I still have little control over the left foot and walking is verydifficult.

I wait for the next scan and trustthat Jesus is with me and will never leave me. (John 14ipray with the leper’s jesushavemercyhealmysoul healmyarm,healmylegthanks andpraisetoourgod!thoughiwalkinthevalleyodeath ifearnoevil foryouarewithmeutfeels the alley of death isthe drive tohcmcforthenextbrainscaneachgrowthofthe tumorisastep closer todeathiwaitforthe end wait with Jesus inthegardenitotallysurrenderrdto thetumorandthewillofgodthisiask onlythisiseek tospentallthedaysofmylifein the house ofthe lord


Ihadonehourphysicaltherapyelectricalstimulationofarmandlegintheafternooniworkedwithkyleon thisblogandthewebsite

Fordinnernancymadefettucinialfredoitwas superb

Nowmyleghurtsbadlyandineetoputthelegtorest goodnight


October 2019 Part 3

I had a good sleep. My leg feelsbetter. It is a sunny day here on Floyd Lake. I plan to spend this Saturday atthe farmhouse in Lake Park.Chris is finishing the sugarbeet harvest.


Todaysaturday192019ihadaspaday.ishoweredhadacoffeewithlittledessertsrelaxingandsleepingintherecliningchairialsoworkedonthemail list forthisblogmyfootandlegareagaintited i’llgotobedinalittlewhile



Ihadonehourofphysicaltherapythewalkingpartwasdifficult andpainful afterwards imetwith Kyle toworkontheblog he is a

Wonderful person to workwithwithin30 minutes we put a mailing listtogetherintheafternooniwalkedinthecabin



Tuesday October 222019

todayistuesdayoctober2029itisacloudyabdwindidaysofarihadonehourofphysicaltherapyelectrostimulatingarm andhand arrimes this was quietpainfulthenwith the help ofananklebrace iwalked37feettheealkingwasmuchbetterthanyesterdaylissbucklingbiggersteps istood talleriwillhavetosetupahourlyplanformylegandarmexercices at homeotherwiseimakenoprogress and will loose accesstotheprogramtoallofuouinptkeepupthefightwalkandstretchitwillgetbetter bepatient and persistent takecare


Friday october252019

todayisfridayoctober25we drove to fargo tomeetthe orthopedist totdiscuss and try the anklebrace theadminisytrativesidewithmedicarewasmorecomplicatedthanwethought. ; backtothedrawingboard
onthedrivebackwepickedupatakeout from thegreeksalad andgyroswere delicious.in the eveningi didmyhome exercises:liftingarms andlegs andashortwalkinthecabin. itwas an exhaustingday andifeelworn out ilookforwsrdto a restfulsleep goodnight


Sunday october272019


We have some light snow at the lakewinter is back in minnesota we eent tochurchthismorning thesermonwasonjesuswhosetsudfreefromsinanddeathiexperiencedeathasgetting evermore real especiallythlastscanrevealingtumorprogressionmoveddeath in armsreachknowingthatjesusovercamedeathtakesthefear awayiwillnotbealoneiwillbewiththe father jesushis saints andmartyrs myfriendserhard andlive in peace

Monday, October 28, 2019

Today was anothercold day. I had one hour of physical therapy with Trisha in the morning. Weagain applied electrostimulation to move the left arm and leg.This afternoon Irested in bed.



Wednesday october302019

today is wednesdayoctober30weareontheroadtompls tomeetwithmymedicalteam andforthenext avastininfusion itisnoon and it snowsimakesome armexercisrsthel eft leg hurts somewhat


Wednesdayoctober30 part2

todayis wednesdayoctober30 2019
now it is7pm we arrived safely at thehopelodgeforfinnerihadsushi andbrowniesand a raspberry bar i am fairlytired and getreadyforbedi thank and praise the lord foralltheblessings of this dayhave agood night and a peaceful rest!



november2019parton friday november1 wereturnedtothelake together itwas acomfortingabdproductive visit ilookforwardto thebrace and walk again in the meantimeigoto the local gym anduse the nu step it is cloudy and foggy around the lake


today is sundaynovember3;2019
wewentto church thismorning wecelebrated allsaints sundayas lutherans wehold everybodya saint whoisbaptizedin jesus
it is a cold and dreiry day thebest timetornjoypumkipie andcoffeee itelephonedwith mother elfriede andsister susanneiwork on themailinglist for the blogin an hour at4pmistartwithmytherapyhomework

Monday nov4 2019

today is mondaynov4 2019
wehad some light snow the roofs arecoverrdwithrhe white stuff and so is the grass onthe ground ihad one hourphysicaltherapywithtrisha wedtartedwithelectrostimulation of thelefthandandarmitishardtodescribe thefeeling wantingto flip thehand or raise the arm butbeingstuckusually iusemy brain and develop aplan to over come the hurdle but thereis notrick here. trywith the help of therighthand andpractic practice practice
then weput thebrace on andi walked37ft inthegymihad to sit down a few timesbcthe rightlegtired out theleft knee didnotbucklethewalkwas smooth.
together thiswas a pretty goodsessionilookforward to the nextone tomorrow nowmylegfeelssoreand clamped therightlegfeelsok




inthemorning ihadone hour ofphysicaltherapywithtonia wedidthe electrical stomulation ofthe arm first. theneeputthebraceonandistartedwalking igotof thewrongfootandlostbalancebasicallyimovedthelegfootfirstforward then moved therightfootaheadof theleftlegtht twistedboth legsinearlyfell tonja began toswetistartedovermakingastrpforwardwith theroghtleg first andthen bringing inthelrft leg i put down25 ft
forlunch i had a tuna hot dishwithpumpkincremecake as desert.
theafternoon ispentinthe livingroomreading andcatching up with my calendarsuddenly i hearda bumpingnoise and screamnancy’sdad, charles fellon the floor wcalled911 theycameratherwuick theycheckedhisjps andkneesfortunately nothing broken andhewalkedashort distance inthe cabin heisdoingok now
i amsuppose tobe at choir practice but ifeelweskand have a bad headache plus myleftfootfeelstwisted



today is sundaynovember172019


Left foot was under pain it is acold and dreary day

The lake is opening upagainyesterday spent the afternoon at the farmhouse I did some reading andwriting Nancy took care of some cat business getting the house trendy for ourmove icanspent about 30minsitting;then thelegstartshurting and I need tostretch it thebest is in bed

Ihave a busy week coming up tomorrowihavphysical therapy

Ontuesdaywedrivetofargototakemeasurements for the anklebrace.onwednesday20thwedrivetominneapolis. On thursday21st ihave abrainscan andmeetwith theneurologistonsatirday 23rdi attendtheadvent retreat

Onmonday25th imeetwith th oncologisttorreview theimages and the current medication/treatment

Move to farmnovember292019

Today is Friday november29 2019

There is a big snowstorm comingthrough mid western Minnesota that prompted us tomoveback to the farmtoday’sphysicaltherapywasexhaustingmainly the nu stepzappedall energy out of mylegs I had a workload of 5 andworkedoniyfor 10minutes

Saturdaynovember30th blizzard part two2019

Itis5:11pm it stopped snowing and the blizzard slowed down some uglywild turkeys came out of the bushesihad another pieceofpumpkincremecake




Today is Christmas Tuesday december24

Froze weihnachten! Merry Christmas

On family tradition we would put up and decorate theChristmas tree the whole family of five would gather around the tree we wouldsing Christmas carols I.e oh du fröhlicjeoh du dselige then one of us wouldrecite the gospel according to luke

during my adventmeditations i came across johns gospel johndoesnothave the natovity narrativehe omits the birth mythology andinsteadismore rational and logical

you know the beginning: in thebeginning was the word and theword was wot god and the word was god i invite you to substitute word withjesus and see what happens: in thebeginning was jesus andjesus was withgod andjesus wsas god the same was in the beginning with god allthingsweremade by himand without him was not anything madethat was made

injesus was life and the life was the lightof men and thelight shineth in darkness and the darkness comprehended it not

what do you think? all things weremade by jesus

rejoice with mein the birth of ourbrother an friend jesus

frohe weihnachten!



December28 snowstorm 2019

Awinterstormearningmade us move from the lake cabin back to the farmhouse. Today is SaturdayDecember 28i siting the destination the living room overlooking the east of thefarmall is white and all is bright Ian still in the Christmas mood for us achild is born to me a brother is given and he shall be called wonderfulcounselor mighty god everlasting father prince of peace. Rejoice with me andwelcomebrother Jesus


Santa Claus fridaydec6 2019

Today is Fridayddec6thefeast of Santa clausijustfinished aone hourworkout at physical therapy.I walked 147ft workek10minutes on the nu stepload 6 47steps per minute now Ihave a desert and a coffee before I drive to the lake for snap the exercisesare hard on my kneetrisha recommended tore adjust the brace


Sunday dec8 2019

Today is Sunday December 2019

I enjoy a quiet Sunday afternoonNancy madegrilledsalmonwith mashed potatoes and for dessert pumpkin cake withwhipped cream thecabin is covered in snow the lake is frozen it is cloudy andcold

Sunday december12019blizardweekend

Today is SundayDecember 1st2019itisallgone quiet and stilll again the storm left 8inches ofsnow and moves now eastward we are locked in church was cancelled this morningwe clean house and organize our stuff: clothes shoes books journals


Thursday dec 19 2019

Todayisthursdaydecember192019ireturnedbackfromthevisitandstaycurrently at the lake I enjoy pumpkin pie and coffee it is sunny and coldoutside snow everywhere the lake is frozen I look forward to Christmasiexpectawuiet tranquiltimewith lots of time to praise and thank the father forthe gift of his son jesusiletmyself fall into the lord’shand and together wewalkthrough thevalleyi pray for all who are under pain lord grant themendurance patience and strength discipline with their physical exercises andthe mental strength to keep the faith and their trust in you

Thursdaydecember12 2019 spa day

Today isthursdaydecember12itookabath at the farmhouse getting in a nd out of the showeralways poses a challenge and requires strategical planing a fall is the biggestthtreat everything went well my right arm did a great jobiheld ontothehandlebar andavoided fastmovements thelawsofphysics also apply under theshower think of drehmoment movements of the arm for instance translate ofmovements of the entire body anyhow everythingwent well that wasthetherapysession today yesterday i ealked192feetpersonalbest thebracehelpsutnowmyleftleg feelsrired and fatiguedi rest theleg on a footstopl thereis some pain around the hip



Somedaysago,whilemeditating i was graced with an incredibleinsight I understood who god the lord is I understand hecreated heaven andearth and createdhe laws of mature most astonishingly HHE can cut through thelaws of nature look at the resurrection or Jesus walking on the water howeverhere is the realastonishing thing: god has attributes that are characteristicof a person he can love get angry can forgivehowscompassio and mercy in factgod’s name is mercy so godcreatedtheworldandits creatures out of love and tolove he first loved us

So I understand thatgodis a divinealmighty and all loving person a father in heaven you are myson/daughter whom Ilove with you I am well pleased



December28 snowstorm 2019

Awinterstormearningmade us move from the lake cabin back to the farmhouse. Today is SaturdayDecember 28i siting the destination the living room overlooking the east of thefarmall is white and all is bright Ian still in the Christmas mood for us achild is born to me a brother is given and he shall be called wonderfulcounselor mighty god everlasting father prince of peace. Rejoice with me andwelcomebrother Jesus


Awake sundaydec222019

Today is Sunday December22thethirdsunday in advent awake! Rejoice with me for the kingdom of God isnearin two days we celebrate the birth of jesuschrist his onlyson our lord


Today iswednesdayjanuary1

IHope you are doing well and wishyou a happy sndhealthynewyear2020may you grow closer to the lord we started therenewyear callingfriendsandcontemplating in the reclinerchairsinourlivingroomat the farmhouse. Nancyenjoyed aglas ofsekt(sparkling winetoday I have walkingand baking on my list

Wuietwaters January 2020

Today is Thursday January 30 2020

The last days have been quiet andcalm we organized our books journals and calendars yesterday we met with ourfinancial consultant I spent a lot of time updating and verifying usernames andpasswords this was very exhausting but ultimately equally gratifying inaddition I havebeenprayingfor friends and relatives”your will be done is alwaysthe most difficult one to pray it is painful because it raises so difficultwuestions yet on the other hand the lord has always been good to me and I lookforward to live with him in one of his father’s house until then I bring all mytroubles andanxieties and joys to brother jesus

Thursday January 2 ;2020

Today is Thursday January 2;2020

The snowstorm brought us 12inches ofsnow no word yet when we move again to the lake but next week I have clinicalappointments in minneapolis avastin infusion and regular check up p

The raspberry bars were deliciouswalking in to helivingroom is also feasible so live is good I had a wonderfulChristmas time it was quiet and meditativeespecially the first chapter ofjohn’s gospel occurred tome in a new light full of new meaning likewise Iexperience Jesus as my brother now I look forward tofollowjesuson hisministryupto the cross my goalistodraw closer to the lord

Today is Thursday January 2;2020

The snowstorm brought us 12inches ofsnow no word yet when we move again to the lake but next week I have clinicalappointments in minneapolis avastin infusion and regular check up p

The raspberry bars were deliciouswalking in to helivingroom is also feasible so live is good I had a wonderfulChristmas time it was quiet and meditativeespecially the first chapter ofjohn’s gospel occurred tome in a new light full of new meaning likewise Iexperience Jesus as my brother now I look forward tofollowjesuson hisministryupto the cross my goalistodraw closer to the lord

January 7 2020

Today is Tuesday January 7

Today we drove home to the farm onMonday I had the regular infusion and meetings with the nurse practitionereveuthingwentwell and my blood and kidney values are all normal in theafternoon I met with friends at the hope lodge this morning we packed up thecar and drove home , I feel energized and filled with the good spirit ready toget y to hat foot going to walk

January 13;2020

Today is Monday january13i spent theday at the farm andwithnancy’sdad at the clinic over the last days hisbreathing became moredifficultafewtestsrevealed a pneumonia the primary carephysician prescribed antibioticsamongotherdrugsan more importantly home healthcare we are happy about that becauseadditional help will release some of theburden on Nancy we pray for strength and healing I struggle with my foot a fewnights ago a piercing pain in my left heal made me take oxycodon. It workedrather fast fortunately the pain didn’t impair the walking todayI performed alot of transfers….all went well the brace helps and my new shoes fit perfectly

Another snowstorm 2020

Today is SundayJanuary 19 we are trapped by another snowstorm masses and worships werecancelled this morning ibudledup andsyreched on my recliner chair doing spp opme of the arm and leg exercises also fiercely praying for healing of arm andleg he healed the lepper and the lame on the matit is a great day ihave allreasons to be thankful. I had lasagne for lunch cherry pie with whipand coffeefor dessert I catch up with the news on to he smartphone I get the readings inan app now Charles is doing better since he is on the inhaler


January 22 2020

Today is Wednesday January 22itis6pmandisit in my recliner chair I just finished supper I had a glas of milk Iam not a big eater during the afternoon I had two jog hurt parfait it was aquiet day in the morning the occupational therapist came to work wit Charles onthe inhaler I worked on my arm I also brought my various online accounts up todate the weather calmed downi wait and seeehat the day will bring tomorrowNancy is sick with a cold hopefully she recovers during the night and is up forthe gym tomorrow

January 28 return to farm2020

Today is Tuesday January 282020

I had pleasantandproductiveconferenceswitthenurses and gatherings with friendships Monday Imet with the nurse practitione we discussed pain and comfort levels I discussedare feral to home healthcare for occupational therapy to work on my arm thatproposal was met with enthusiasm and we started the paperwork. The avastininfusion went smooth in the afternoon I had coffee and cookies with my ignatiancompanions it is always wonderful to be with you to feel your enthusiasm andenergy. I am soojealous I pray for you and your projects especially for youMary and your trip to indiawoooo!

February 2020

Today is Tuesday February 4

Abrother injesuspointedme to an oldlutheranhymn”what god ordains is always good this helps to pray especially whenwe don’t know his will or plan hat is associated with a particularstruggleitcomplements the petition of thelord’sprayer:your will be done

Newfrowthfeb18 2020

Today is Tuesday February 18 2020thismorning I met wit theoncologist th mri from last weekrevealed newspotnotseenonprrvipus scans thespot ranges from5 to 8 mm in diameter we decided to consult with theradiologist I am an unusual customer normally the discussion is on hospice

I am notpartiparticularly shocked Iknow this is a fast growing cancer I take refuge in the lord what god ordainsis always good his Willis just and holy
as he directs my life for me i follow meek and lowly
my god indeedin evry neednows wellhowhewillshield metohim then i willyieldme
what godordainsis sleays good
henever willdeceiveme heleadsme inhisrighteousway andnever willheleavemitakecontent whathehas sentgishandsthat sends messdnesswulkrurnmytearstogladneswhatgodordainsisalwaysgoodhis

February 25 2020

Today is Tuesday February 25

The last four days I felt miserablyI had headaches wuietstrong a burning sensation like I have never felt beforinadditions neuropathic pain at the left upper arm a stinging pain on my leftfooti had a sick stomach and no appetite but the goodnewsis that I can walkyesterday I took a bathin our newly remodeled bathroom an shavedbefore turningoff the light I do my exercises today I had my nails done brotherjesusremindedustodayon who is the greatest answer:the onewho is the most humbleand doesn’t think much of himselfthegreekphilosopher Socrates came close tothis wisdom almost 300years earlier”I know that I know nothing I can add I knowwhat I cannot doi can see different forms of humility or modesty suchasspiritual modesty,academicscepticism/humbleness

Today is Tuesday February 25


Today is Friday February 14, valentine’sday

We went to therosedalmall and got atakeout fromaplebees for desert we had schokolade and coffeeourignatianassocistrd joined the partyesterday I had an mri I will see the doctoron tuesda
myarm and leg keep causing pain


February 28 2020

Today is Friday February 28

I am feeling better today

I had a restful sleep and my bodyfeelsgreat no pains I got up at 6am had breakfast and then we drove to the townrun some errands and brought charlesto Ecumen: today is his bathdayihadfuttucini Alfredo and a carrot cake for desert I also walked along the hallwayI spoke with my mom people on herxheim are getting crazy over the corona virus: ALdi is sold out (ha! They had some snow the last daysiwillspent the rest ofthe day here at Ecumen it is quiet and warm ideal for hanging out with Jesus

Recovering at thefarmmarchh2020

Todayis Saturday march28

I had a decentn

Radiation march2020

Today is Mondaymarch30 2020yesterday we drove down to minneapolis we stay in the Hampton inn Itook the Temodar chemotherapy pills at 9pm I got up at7 am and drove to theclinic for the next round of radiation


Radiation march2020

Today is Friday march27

Yesterday we started with theradiation I gotupat6amand we drove to the clinic I checked in and a few minuteslater the technicians picked me up p and rolled me

To the radiation table I transferredfrom the wheelchair to to the table I flipped over an someone put the mask onand positioned my headthe radiation lasted14 minutes shorter than what Irecollected from last time

I transferred back to the wheelchairand we left through the parking garage ifeltdissu andnauveous

Appointments march2020

Today is Monday March 9

The day was packed with doctorvisits and tests I first met with Dr Raman the radiologist and discussedvarious treatment options Nancy and I felt comfortable with the radiationtemodarcombinationi am cautiously optimistic the goal would’ve to contain the growthso as to avoid more severe clinical symptoms

We also did a visual field test

i toleratrd chemo andradiation>so far wuiet well and in the end my life is in his

March4 2020

Today is Wednesday March 4 2020

I slept reasonably well I rose at9:30 I had two fried eggs and coffee plus a glas orange juice now I am restingin the recliner

Yesterday was fairly busy I had mynails done and then my teeth cleaned the last filling is bothering me too Iwait and see the afternoon I spent at home Angie the occupational therapiststepped by and she worked on my fingers I had a joghurtparfaitin the afternoonand Omlettefor dinner

there is mo


therapy ytoda>

Radiation in minneapolis

Today is Tuesday march312020

Sleep was too short as alwaysbreakfast/ oatmeal with blueberries was ok hotel coffee was bad we drove to theclinic after15minutes of radiation we went car shopping our current van hasproblems with the ramp and we need a second van for Charles. We found acandidate car did a test drive and transfer it is a dodge but soliwe left adown payment and went back t the hotel

March22 2020

Today is Sunday march22

Things change fast. We learned lastThursday that the hope lodge I closed and no longer take in new patients I wasshocked because we all red day had reservations anyhow we locked for hotelsnear the clinic I am also still waiting for a distinct starting date for bothradiation and chemo as it looks today we drive to minneapolis on Tuesday

that is the lind of distraion Idon’t like but i stay calm and relaxed what god ordains is always good intoday’s gospel jesus healed the blind man jesus is the healer savior and redeemeri patiently wait to meer him in his glory

March 24 I



Today is Mondaymarch232020 I had a unremarkable day I kept my journal called friends andrelatives read the news wrote letters and correspondence I walked in the livingroom foot and arm are ok i still wait for the radiation plan but I am not tooconcerned in the past they always came through wait for the radiation plan



Today is Tuesday March 242020i feel reasonably well, calmrelaxed grounded with a lot of inner peace knowing the lord is here

Tomorrow we drive to the clinic athcmc

Radiation starts on Tuesday march26I start packing getting all my bags organized and decide what shoes to bringalong we will stay in a hotel

Radiationcont’ 2020

I had a short nightand even shorter breakfast before we headed to the clinic after the radiationwe met with the doctor the doctor was alarmed about the lack of bowel movementsso we talked about a remedy for this for the rest of the hour we talked about differentmedications and different ways of applications to make this short the problemsolved itself at the hotel in a natural way I am again feeling well andreleavedenjoying tiramisu and coffee

Radiation march2020

Today is Friday march27

Yesterday we started with theradiation I gotupat6amand we drove to the clinic I checked in and a few minuteslater the technicians picked me up p and rolled me

To the radiation table I transferredfrom the wheelchair to to the table I flipped over an someone put the mask onand positioned my headthe radiation lasted14 minutes shorter than what Irecollected from last time

I transferred back to the wheelchairand we left through the parking garage ifeltdissu andnauveous

Radiation march2020

Today is Monday march302020yesterday we drove down to minneapolis we stay in the Hampton inn I tookthe Temodar chemotherapy pills at 9pm I got up at7 am and drove to the clinicfor the next round of radiation

Uphillbattle april2020

Today is Thursday April 30

Ian graduallyfeeling better we stilldon’t know what caused the fever but the main culprit is the shunt Weserneurosurgery onmay12 hope to stay fever-free

Radiation on good friday2020

Today is good Friday April 10 2020

I got an early start at 7 and aftera quick breakfast we drove to the clinic fo the next dose I was very tired andasked brother Jesus to join me on the radiation table the mask again was atight fit over the nose after 1minutes it was finished the technicians helpedme off the table I set in the wheelchair and Nancy rolled me out for lunch wehave takeout sandwiches in a few minutes we drive back to the farm



Today ois tuesdayApril 7 2020 it was26years agothat nancy and I got married in FreiburgGermanylater the day we will have a takeout from a German restaurant here inminneapolis we thank the lord Jesus for having been with us those 26 years shehas been truly faithful in good and in bad days.her generosity I admire themost and she brought me back to church and the lord thank you Nancy!i couldn’thave made a better choice

Radiation #7 april3

Today is fridayapril32020

I had radiation #7. There are13 moreleft to go 20total we ordered take out and had lunch at the hotel

then we headed backhome to the farm we were greeted by severalinches of snowwe driveback tominneapolison sundayapril5

Radiation #3 april2020

I felt no side effects from today’s radiation

Today is thursday april12 2020

The radiation went well the table isreally hard and the mask sits very tight to the point where it makes breathingdifficult I use the time to pray and to be in the lord’s presence the 15minutes pass quickly

After the treatmenri talked with theradiologist Dr raman everything follows the plan


Today is Easter Sunday April 12 2020

After breakfast we zoomed withfriends in Maryland we look all op lad and grey in the gallery view it lookedlike the muppet show it was very funny. Happy Easter!!!

We get ready for the next drive tominneapolis I have a date on Monday morning

Much peace and blessings


Today is Monday april13 20we arrived yesterday in minneapolisand were greeted by a snowstorm I called the hotel to turn up the temperaturein our room

I had a good sleep the room was reallywarm. Finally!

I got up at 6:30 and we drove to theclinic for the next radiation getting out of bed I noticed slot of hair on thepillow theradiation is working! At least outside the brain

In the hospital april2020

Today is Monday April 27

Since last post I was in thehospital in Detroit lakes

I was totally costipated andovetdosed on the laxatives once the effect finally set in I had enormous crampsa nd extremely painful spasms

The temperature normalized and allcultures (blood spinal fluid ) were negative I might be discharged today. Thespasms were so violent that I kept shouting and screaming I think this is likegiving birth

Home again april2020

Today is tuesdayaprill28i am getting back to normal had a goodsleep and feel near brother Jesus the quiet time with th lord I missed the mosthe reain today’s readings Moses and Jesus teminds is that it is not by breadalone that we live but by the word of god hat which comes down from heavenJesus said to them:I am the bread of life

I praise and thank the lord Isurvived another assault of the evil voe



Today is Monday may42020

I had a relaxing dayminimalpainintheleft foot I had physical therapy I walked with the walker and cane in theafternoon I prayed expressing my love for the lord also prayed for strength andendurance for my friends and relatives phoned with a classmate from law school

Wonder what the tumor is doing noheadaches today

Drive to Minneapolis may2020

Todayissundaymay102020wemadeitin one stretch

Shingles may2020

Today ismondaymay11yesterdaywe drove too Minneapolis this morning isawthe oncologist ihaveare’s itchyrash over my head and neck no fever he diagnosed shingles I washedmy head thetravelsjeepme deesoriented

Mtg with the neurosurgeon smay2020

Today is Tuesday may12

I met with the euro surgeon whooneyear ago put put thedhunt inhesaid that it is more likely that the highfever in the Er in dland the shingles are coincidental effects than causitivelyrelated we decided to monitor the temperature and treat the shingles withfamvirin June 2 we do another brain scshing


Today is Fridaymay15 we finished our business in Minneapolis and drove back home to the farmit was an easy drive on a warm and sunny day my leg played along quite well andso did my arm now I look forward to sleep in my bed again what godordains isalways goodhiswillisjustandholyas he directs my life for me I follow meek andlowly my god indeed in evryneedkows well how he will shield me to him then Iwill yield me


Spring time at the farm 2020

Today is Tuesday may19

Independent of my feelings thelordisalwaysnear me and I am on my way to heaven: heaven is my home and nothingcan prevent Merton reaching this destination there I willseethe lord face toface and my joy will be boundless.


Drive to Minneapolis may2020

Todayissundaymay102020wemadeit inone stretch

Jun.2, 2020

Minneapolis demonstrations in the aftermath of the murderof George Floyd


Today is Tuesday june2

We spent the last three dayshunkered down in the hotel following curfew order we are still surrounded bythe national guard this morning we drove to the clinic for an mri it issniveled and sunny day I walked with the walker it felt great we get our foot astakeout from kowalskis today I had mashed potatoes and roasted chicken I hopethe mri produced a good result I am partially indifferent

Ihaveappointmentscomingupstartingmondayjune2minneapolisisburningand under siege by whitesupremists and the National hard we took our chance anddrove down we had no situation and arrived safely at the hotel just before thecurfew started I am hanging in my left foot needs movement thank god we boughtthe hemiwalker with us




Jun. 5, 2020

Today is Friday june5


I met with the oncologist this morning the mri revealed a60.%oreduction of timotas result of radiation hallelujah praise the lords.


Jun. 7, 2020


Recovery at the farm


Today is saturdayjune6wearrivear4pmat the farm itooknapsduringthe drive but it remained a shaky affair we continue with the infusion everythree weeks and mri as needed I feel good am filled with gratitude and the lordfor the shrunken tumor more than ever I believe in the power of prayer godbless good night

Jun. 10, 2020

Today is Wednesday june102020ispentthe day in my recliner chair reading I’m reading the lord by romanoguardini anduniversal Christ by Richard Rohr and the lords prayer you pope Francis I readthese books as audiobooks resding ahardcopy istojard for my eyes


Summmer2020 at the lakevisit at the clinic

Today iwednesdayjune24

I met with the oncologist I got areferral to the orthopedist to look at my shoulder we took a x ray of the leftshoulder I also had an infusion of avastin

I should come back in three weeks

my body aches and ihave slightheadaches

I eat well and walk with thehemiwalker in addition I enjoy the audiobooksikeepinmind that I am on the roadto heaven

Ifeelawake and grounded the leftfoot hurts and my left shoulder we spent the mornings at the farm and theafternoons at the lake I enjoy listening to the audiobooks Richard Rohr is aneyeopenerwheniwmweak that is when Ian strong after the last radiation and theshrinkage of the tumor I pray even more fiercely for healingtrustinginthelordsmercyandcompassionhekeepshispromises

Jun. 25, 2020

Back to the farm2020

Today is Thursday June 25

The visit wit the team wasproductive I had two avastian infusion and X-ray revealed that the shoulderissislocated I should come back in three weeks


Overall I feel very good Jesusisnearcausing grwat joy stay healthy a d stay at home.

Praise the lord

Jun. 27, 2020

Today is Friday June

26acommonthemeinthespiritul life isletting good think the popular rendition of this short prayer or petition isletitbe

When I find myself in times oftrouble mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom :let it be

So all the broken-hearted in theworld aggreether will be a answer let i be for though they may be parted there isstill a chance hat they may see here is still an answer let it be(It the lordvein charge


July. 7, 2020

Summer at big Floyd lake

Today is july7ispent the day at ourlake cabin meditating praying watching the waves letting things go and beenjoyingthefatherscreationenjoyingjesus’presenselive in the moment be aware ofthe trinity